for the record
by viennacantabile
Summary: An episode in the life of Mr. and Mrs. Gerald R. Bryant, as experienced by Bernice, witnessed by Clarice, and endlessly mocked by Pauline. Frenemy alert. Gee-Tar/Bernice.


Disclaimer: I think I own the concept for Pauline's cupcakes, and that is all. The girls featured here are Bernice (the fourth girl who does very little dancing in "Cool"), Pauline (partnered with Action and Baby John during the dance; wears a crop top and skirt), and Clarice (brunette partnered with Big Deal and Gee-Tar during the dance; she has a very pretty face and dress), and Bernice's name and their characterizations belong to **LCV Productions**. All else belongs to those four amazing people without whom this category wouldn't exist.

Note: Once upon a time, I would have been ecstatic to update every two months, but I have fallen into the fanfic abyss and now it feels like forever since I have posted anything. I do have a very good excuse, which is that I am working on my first ever (and probably only) ridiculously long multi-chapter work, the first chapter of which should be going up on April 24th (unless I cave and post earlier). In the meantime, however, I took a break to revise and edit this little ficlet and am posting it for your consumption. I hope you enjoy it. :)

Fair Warning: The only explicit content in here is language. However, it is very, very sexually suggestive, so if you're uncomfortable watching PG-13 movies, I wouldn't read this.

For: **HedgehogQuill **(who has been waiting a very long time for a post), **Megfly** (who has been incredibly and amazingly helpful recently despite her own commitment to awesome stuff), and **xXc0okieSsNcrEamXx** (who has been as fun and adorable as ever), as always, with love. :)

—viennacantabile

* * *

for the record

…_or, an episode in the life of mr. and mrs. gerald r. bryant._

.

Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.

—Gore Vidal

.

Are you uninhibited in bed  
More than three times a week  
Up for being experimental?

—Alanis Morissette, "21 Things I Want in A Lover"

.

"Cupcake?"

It was two o'clock on a Sunday afternoon, and Bernice, mindful of her figure, shook her head and watched enviously as her twin eagerly took a pink and white-frosted cupcake from Pauline.

"Mmm," Clarice said happily as she carefully removed the circular white candy from the top and took a bite of her cupcake. "What are they, cherry-flavored? These're really good, Pauline. Just as good as—"

"Sex?" filled in Pauline promptly, a wicked grin on her face as she sliced her own pink cupcake in half to reveal the white filling inside and popped the candy topper in her mouth.

Clarice choked.

Bernice rolled her eyes as her twin hacked and wheezed. It just figured, she thought huffily. "Jesus, Pauline, y'know I ain't no kinda prude, but is that _all_ ya ever think about?"

Pauline just smirked. "Aww, Gee-Tar not puttin' out enough?"

To her very deep chagrin, Bernice blushed. "A-_course_ he is, Pauline!" she said angrily. "We have a _great_ sex life!"

"Oh, all right," said Pauline lightly. "I guess you just have lower expectations than me, is all."

"But you're not even married," pointed out Clarice, finally catching her breath as Bernice reached over and snatched a cupcake with considerably more force than necessary. To _hell_ with her weight, she thought venomously. It wasn't as if her idiot husband ever noticed, _anyway_.

"Honey, that ain't stoppin' me," Pauline grinned. "It just means I ain't _tied down_ like you poor things. 'Sides, Action comes over whenever I want, an' he just keeps me goin' an' goin'. Y'know, I think we set a record the other day for number-a times he made me—well, _you_ know," she purred coyly, lying languorously on her bed. Then she arched an meaningful eyebrow at Bernice. "Well. Maybe _you_ don't."

Bernice narrowed her eyes. She was tired of that little tart acting like _she_ had the most fun just because Pauline was the only Jet Girl still unmarried. Even if Pauline _had_ invited her and Clarice over for a little get-together, Bernice was pretty sure it had only been to annoy her, so she didn't feel bad at all about needling her right back. She swallowed a big bite of cupcake—which _was_ rather good—and raised an eyebrow of her own. "Oh, yeah? How many? 'Cause y'know, Gee-Tar ain't exactly short-lived in bed either."

"But I thought ya said Gee-Tar couldn't get it—ow!" yelped Clarice as Bernice elbowed her twin in the ribs.

Pauline smirked knowingly and licked the frosting deliberately off of her cupcake. "Twenty-five."

Bernice's jaw dropped a little in spite of herself. The most she had ever managed with Gee-Tar was _four_. And that had been with a lot of…help. "Well—that ain't all that much," she stammered defensively, clutching her cupcake so hard that frosting squished on her fingers. "Y'know, just the other day, Gee-Tar an' I were really goin' at it—"

"_Bernice_!" hissed Clarice, dropping her cupcake onto her plate with a splat and looking nauseated. "D'ya _mind_?"

"—an' I swear, I was gonna hit _thirty_, but then someone came over an' we had to stop," Bernice finished, giving Pauline a challenging stare.

Pauline stared right back. "Funny, I never got to more'n ten with Gee-Tar. Kid just never had it in him," she added innocently.

Bernice reddened. "Well, I guess maybe he just likes _me_ better," she hurled back.

Pauline smirked. "If ya say so."

"So, got any more cupcakes?" asked Clarice hastily. "Like I said, they're real good, Pauline!"

Pauline didn't bat an eyelash. "My cupcakes're always the best," she smiled sweetly. "An' I _always_ have enough to go around."

Bernice fumed. Pauline wasn't going to have the upper hand for long, that was for sure, she thought viciously. Bernice was going to match that number. Hell, she was going to _double_ that number. And there was nothing that was going to stop her, not Pauline or Clarice or even _God_.

.

Of course, she hadn't counted on Gee-Tar.

"But Bernice, baby," whined Gee-Tar, holding his hands out in front of him pleadingly. "I just got home, I'm _tired_!"

Bernice advanced on him with a scowl. "So help me, Gee-Tar," she informed him blackly, "you are _gonna_ help me beat that tramp _or I will get that scrawny little he-she you used to call a Jet to rip your balls out for me._"

There was a silence. Then:

"How many d'ya have to have again?" asked Gee-Tar meekly, beginning to unbuckle his belt.

Bernice set her jaw determinedly and flung her skirt away. "Fifty."

"_Fifty_?!" yelped Gee-Tar, turning purple.

Bernice nodded grimly, pulling her shirt off. "Fifty. We're settin' a record _no one'll_ top."

Gee-Tar squeaked, edging away. "But—but baby, ya know I have—trouble gettin'—anyway, I can't—"

"It _ain't. About. You_," Bernice ground out, glaring daggers at her husband. "All _you_ have to do is keep _me_ happy!"

"Well, yeah, but—" dithered Gee-Tar, hands creeping involuntarily over the opening of his pants. "Baby, I—"

Bernice took that as her cue to jump on him. A panicked Gee-Tar's back slammed against the wall, and Bernice ground her hips painfully into his.

"_Shut up an' fuck me_," she growled into his ear as she fairly ripped his pants off.

Gee-Tar yipped in terror. "Yes, _ma'am_!"

.

"So here's a number I think ya might be interested in, Pauline," Bernice preened the next time she saw her archenemy. "Fifty."

Pauline arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Fifty what?"

"Fifty _times_," Bernice gloated. "How many were ya talkin' about the other day? Twenty-five?"

Pauline smiled. "Aww, Bernice, ain't that cute."

Bernice flinched. "Cute?" she asked, unable to believe her ears. "That is _twice_ as many as you've ever had in one session!"

Pauline nonchalantly ran her hand through her short head of curls. "Oh, _that_. Well, last night, Action came over after beatin' on some idiots who were tryin' to break into his bar, an' lemme tell ya, it was _even better'n_ the old days, Bernice."

"An'?" breathed Bernice, afraid to hear the answer.

"Oh, one hundred," Pauline said airily. Then she grinned and held up a cardboard box. "Cupcake?"

Bernice was too busy choking on her own rage to reply. She saved that for later, when Gee-Tar came home:

"GEE-TAR! TWO HUNDRED, OR SO HELP ME _I WILL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF MYSELF!_"

.

.end.

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It should go without saying that reviewers? Will be pelted with yummy cupcakes. Just so you know. :)

—viennacantabile


End file.
